Shoot me

I feel awful.

What a surprise. The twat who cried in the jungle is doing another self pitying piece on his DEPRESSION. Jesus, can’t this idiot get a grip?

It would seem not.

I’m writing because that has helped me in the past and I’m hoping it helps now, that it kickstarts some chain reaction that releases an endorphin or two and lifts me out of this – depression doesn’t seem like a big enough word – this fucking crater that I have fallen into and is totally consuming my soul.

Let me try and describe how I feel. Maybe that will help.

Physically I hurt. I ache. Everything is heavy. Someone has tied bricks to the back of my hands and my fingers are made of lead. My back is that of a 92 year old man. My legs are aching like they haven’t since I had growing pains at the age of 11. I am SO tired yet I slept very well last night. My head has this thick fog inside it. My eyes aren’t quite facing forward. I am struggling to complete a thought. Writing this is taking all the concentration I can muster. And look. My sentences are so short. that’s not me. My eyes. Did I mention them? It feels like I’ve been crying constantly, they ache and are dry, but I haven’t been crying. Not much. Not today.

My cat of 19 years, Velvet, died last week. She was nearly 21. I got her as a rescue and she was my best friend. That happened. That actually happened. Her ashes are upstairs in her bed. Pathetic? Maybe but it seems right. Life won’t be the same without her. But I was in this depression before she passed. This depression is robbing me of grieving for Velvet The Cat properly. Because it’s so hard to feel anything apart from…fuck knows…useless. OK, I did the physical. :et me try the impossible and try to put in words how it FEELS.

These words spring to mind –

Useless
Failure
C*nt
Ugly
Shit dad
Failed TV host
Shitty radio host
Useless (again)
Uninspired
Has been
Never was
Shit man
Cheat
Sad
Lonely
Sad
Really sad

They’re good, but, to quote Catchphrase, they’re not good enough. They don’t really cover any of how I feel.

I see a therapist. He’s a good man. I’m on 150mg of Effexor. Maybe that has stopped working so I’m booked in to see my doctor. I have builders here. That doesn’t help. My house is a mess, I just can’t seem to catch up with myself. I dread going in to work, to do my radio show with my best mate, something that has brought me so much joy. My head is telling me to quit but my head is lying. I know that much. When my head looks at a beam and says to me ‘yeah, that could take your weight’ I know that it is feeding me bullshit. I mean the beam probably could take my weight but that’s not what I want to do.

I’m not going to kill myself. Please don’t worry about that. I promise.

But I think about it sometimes.

But I won’t.

Everything is so heavy. Iu don’t know if that makes sense. This whole piece doesn’t make sense and i will get flack for writing it. But fuck you and fuck them. I’ll do what I want, especially if it helps me feel better. You might identify. If you do, I’m really sorry you’re going through that as well. If you don’t, then that is fantastic. I’m jealous but well done.

I have 4 cats now. Lucky, Mucky, George and Pattie. I have to take Baby George to the vets as he has cat flu like his sister. It means I have to keep the two babies away from the two teenagers so they don’t get it. I’m covered in scratches from cat wrangling.

I have a beard again. Not through choice. Through the inability to do something as simple as shave and the desire to have a wall between me and you.

29 thoughts on “Shoot me

    • Marcus Donohue says:

      All I can say Iain is that you’re not alone in having these feelings – many of us frequently do. Peaks and troughs I call it. Speaking about how you feel is part of the battle won. Hopefully you have a small circle of close friends who can support and guide you out of that dark trough.
      You are enough. 🙏🏻❤️

  1. Melony Smith says:

    You’re absolutely right to put this out there. Even if it helps you a tiny bit, that’s what you need right now, tiny little shifts in your emotions to push you into the light (not in a Poltergeist final scene way) one little step at a time. You’re none of the words you listed apart from the ones describing how you feel and to feel like that is so painful. If the voice in your head was another person, you’d fight back, not listen to them, do everything in your power to not be around them. You have to be kind to yourself. And the beard always looks good xx

  2. Matty says:

    Hope you feel better soon. Depression is such an awful illness. I suffered in the past and have lived in that dark cloud, been the lowest anyone can ever get. I know it’s hard but try and know that it will pass and you will feel better. I wrote this poem when I was at my darkest. I hoped it would make me feel better. It didn’t at the time but I look back now and so grateful I don’t feel like that now. All the best x

    Happiness.

    I ain’t happy now,
    I weren’t happy then.
    I ain’t happy now,
    I’ll be happy…When?
    In this thing called life,
    You’re sposed to have a Zen,
    But what if you’re in strife,
    And your Ying-Yang’s gone Yeng.
    Do you just go mad?
    Or do you fone a friend?
    Will you just feel bad?
    Or you feel whole again.
    So you get up out,
    And meet up with a friend.
    But your minds in doubt,
    And you can’t comprehend.
    Sitting with your mate.
    You’d think you’d concentrate.
    Or at the very least,
    Have something, to state.
    Maybe this is just,
    Lifes irony.
    Me watching life,
    And life passing me.
    Will I be a part,
    Of the human race?
    Or carry on being,
    The faceless face.
    Walking down the street.
    I don’t want you to see.
    I won’t bother you,
    So don’t you bother me.
    I won’t ask you for help.
    I don’t want your pity.
    I won’t ask you for cash.
    I rely on only me.
    I got off the gear,
    To get my mind clear.
    But the thoughts in my head,
    Just wont dissappear.
    I can’t get no peace,
    But there’s peace in death.
    Wrestling with thoughts,
    Of taking final breath.
    I wish this life sentence,
    Wasn’t for me.
    Intense self hate.
    And far from happy.
    I keep trying to sort it out.
    And I will try again.
    I ain’t happy now.
    I’ll be happy…WHEN???

  3. paul tonkin says:

    Hi Iain, knew you were having a tough time. I did not until reading this,realize just how tough it is for you.
    Hang in their brother, people care about you.

  4. Dawn Leatherby says:

    I don’t have any helpful advice, I’ve never felt like this…i get anxious ….. i have panic attacks …..but so far I’m coping fine i really hope you can pull yourself out of this crater, you and Kath make me laugh …
    I wish i could help but i can’t but i can say during this last year which has been hard for me (diagnosed with Breast cancer a year ago) I’ve struggled with “why me” and a million other questions … my hubby works nights and i have to have the radio on due to tinnitus and many a night when i couldn’t sleep you n kath kept me sane with your madcap ways….. just sorry i can’t help you in return, wishing you all the best and hoping you find a way soon out of this tunnel you find yourself in. Much love to you ….Dawn, Taunton Somerset.

  5. Lee Griggs says:

    You, sir, are a genius. You have provided me with sooo much laughter throughout the last 12 years. It pains me to hear you are going through such a horrible time. I hope it gets better soon.
    Much love, Lee.
    P.S. Now please will you fix those bloody podcast show notes! – “right here.Or,” 😉

  6. Angela Byrne says:

    Keep going Iain … I’ve had this for years, but these past couple of weeks I’ve felt hopeless …. It’s not something I can even describe . but your words echo my thoughts. X

  7. John Cullen says:

    Once again, as always, powerful stuff Mr Lee. Like your good self, I’m not feeling 100% at the moment. One thing I’ve realized helps, is shutting off unnecessary distractions and focusing on the warranted distractions. Hold on – wait! Allow me to explain….

    Twitter, I’m currently on a ‘Twitter holiday’ – that’s the break from the unnecessary distractions. Truth be told, apart from your good self and couple of others, including Katherine Boyle (and Willow, when she gets an account), I’m finding Twitter to be rather tiresome. It’s seems like a we’ve reinvented the playground and all the bulls**t hierarchy that comes with it, so I’m out – just for the moment. It seems agreeing to disagree these days only makes you a target to be called ‘thick’ or ‘uncultered’ – so be it. Twitter is yours, kids. I’m gonna hang with the adults for a while…

    What’s a warranted distraction, I hear you say? Writing. It’s what I love to do. And with some spare time on my hands, I can focus on a book that I’m seriously behind with. It hasn’t been a week yet, and I feel fantastic. Speaking of books, I wanted to put a suggestion to you: have you thought about recording a few hours of audio and getting it transcribed? You have a flair for the vocab (thus your occupation), and a transcribed dialogue could be relatively simple to edit and shape – just a thought, old bean…

    Anyways, keep your head up. The show is stronger than ever at the moment. Anyone who knows me, knows I bang on about American Wrestling a little too much. But I’d like to recommend a documentary that has really touched me deeply. It’s from a series called ‘Dark Side Of The Ring’ – it’s on the Channel 4 website. The episode in question is called ‘The Last Of The Von Erichs’. The Von Erichs were a group of six brothers who were the wrestling equivalent of The Osmonds during the early 1980s. Sadly, all them passed away, due suicide, or problems stemming from substance abuse. In the documentary, the last surviving brother, Kevin, tells his story, starting with the death of brother David in a hotel room in Japan. Kevin talks through how he dealt with constant trauma and his survival through it all. I would really recommend it to anybody who might be struggling with mental health issues or grappling with the feeling of hopelessness. Its truly inspiring and Kevin is proof that things can and will get better – the documentary would have been just as inspiring if it was written about a builder or snooker player.

    Look after yourself, Mr Lee. Is it ‘Ghostbusters 2’??

    Sloop John B…. x

  8. Fathead says:

    Hi,
    I listen your show but have never rung in. I bought the book and some t-shirts and love them. I enjoy listening to you and Kath when I can, as I feel like you are friendly voices in a world of unfriendly faces and voices. I feel safe with you and Kath on, it’s a lovely feeling and a feeling that I’ve never had from a radio show as I only ever listened to the radio for music until a couple of years ago.

    I recognise some of the things you are saying above in this post as I have had similar feelings for the last couple of years too. I hope that you can find peace one day and not have to deal with all of these horrible feelings and physical manifestations. I also wish this for myself and all others who suffer.
    The world would be an even shitter place without you around and a less friendly and amusing place without you and Kath on air. You have a fantastic show and I find you and Kath to be lovely, honest, kind and interesting presenters, thank you.

    I too miss my old cat who died years ago and who was my best friend and went through many traumatic times with me, pets are such a help and they don’t even know it. I have no pet at the minute but I take great pleasure in other people’s pets until one day I can have my own again. Love and health to you.

  9. Seb says:

    Just running to meet a friend so i’ll try to write more later.

    The one thing i’ll say is try to remember that these things come in waves man – soon you’ll look back soon and see this for what it is.

    I hope you feel better soon!

    Seb

    P.s I’ve been a fan since the 11 o’Clock show days! And your late night Absolute Radio show REALLY helped me through a difficult period in my life. Keep doing what you’re doing (apart from the depression because that’s obviously shit).

  10. beforethegladnessatgmail says:

    I hope writing this has been a help for you. I’m so sorry to see your list, aiming to describe how you feel.

    I met you very briefly once, you were an utter gentleman and you sparked with wit, warmth and charm.

    So, for what it’s worth from a complete stranger on the internet, you are a kind, inspiring and talented man.

    Thank you for all that you do. And for being you!

    • beforethegladnessatgmail says:

      And…I’m replying to myself in case you see this. I’m thinking of you, wishing you the very best. If only it could be as simple as adoration from your fans to make you feel better! If only. Take care.

  11. Wendz says:

    Iaun, Iain, Iain…I am feeling your pain, at least I was yesterday, it comes and goes, big lows, big highs. Big lows where I could list the same as you, ie. Loser, ugly, failure, useless, talentless, etc etc. Then I give myself a shake because the option is to give myself a noose or a bottle of pills. And then I go on a high where my mind won’t let me sleep longer than 2 hours and I can’t stop thinking of ideas. Just to then spend the rest of the day wasted in a haze of almost drunkeness stupor when I haven’t even touched a single drop of gin. The events you describe yourself going through, builders in your house, the place is a mess, your 21 year old pet Velveteen passing away, they are testing you as much as similar situations recently have tested me. I assume it’s the menopause since I’m female, but listening to you, close in age to me, I wonder if it’s not just a stage in our lives where we’ve had enough of living. Or at least we THINK we have. And we feel old. And sore. And wish someone would put us down! I still cry for my doggie, my beautiful undemanding, loveable border terrier who fell asleep in my hands just 3 months ago. I ache for her unconditional love she gave me. I need to feel that again, have that in my life once more. Yet I know I’m not ready. Maybe one day. You will come out the other side. You have to. You know how much people care for you, but oh if only those same people knew how hard it is to continue when your very existence feels utterly pointless…

    I’ll stay, if you stay.
    I’ll cope, if you cope.

  12. Paulhardman says:

    Iain
    You may never read this however I must tell you something I have so much admiration for you your brutal honesty your integrity your amazing sense of humour and your laugh and the wonderful show that you present with kath each evening it’s the best part of my day …..please know this to he true your show is outstanding and the love and friendship you have with kath is just a beautiful thing you two are utterly brilliant…sending love and respect to you iain ..respectfully paul hardman

  13. Kazkari says:

    Hello sorry to hear you are still so down. Firstly don’t worry about expressing yourself if it helps then you should do it, I think keeping that stuff in causes more harm than good.

    I think you’ve picked a lovely place for Velvet’s ashes. Hopefully once you feel alittle of the weight drop off your back you can properly grieve for her.

    You’ve got further than the average person, you’ve got life experiences that are quite unique, hopefully when you are abit older you can share your story with your kids. I think both you and Kath are wonderful parents, you both pay attention and take interest in your kids and personally I think that is a very underrated and necessary thing.

    Thank you to both you and Kath for being so entertaining and to some degrees personally for showing that some parents do truly care for their kids.

  14. Mr David A Green says:

    Ahh hello, Mr Lee,
    My name is Mr Green.
    I heard a recent broadcast of yours on ‘TalkRadio’.
    You and Kath spoke about your desire to have a ‘charming gentleman’ call into your show. Could you expand on what a charming gentleman s? I seek to become this charming gentleman.
    Thank you.
    Mr Green.

  15. Trevor O Sullivan says:

    Sorry you are going through such a tough time again
    I’ve found that it always gets lighter and this is one of the most difficult years of my life
    All you can do is keep fighting the good fight and you will see the light erase the darkness

  16. Rachelscadd@outlook.com says:

    Oh Iain. You are SO not alone. I have just missed my Daughter’s wedding because I too am all of the above.
    I have no words of wisdom sorry because I’m not wise enough to know how to escape this cunt that whispers WORTHLESS in my ear every 5 minutes.
    But I hear you. And I get you. 🖤

  17. Steve D says:

    Good luck big man – it’s horrible, I’ve been there and it’s never too far away.

    In terms of solutions, which I know you probably don’t want any of, check to see if you have Sleep Apneae. Might be a contributing factor to why you wake up knackered. Made a big difference for me. That, and two mattresses one on top of the other, sorted my shitty back out.

    Again – keep fighting, do whatever you need to to keep your head above.

    All the best,

  18. Debbie says:

    You’re in the same dose as me. It takes a long while for those antidepressants to make a difference and the negatives tend to duplicate depression. I know the feelings. Then when you want to do something, keep busy, you can’t because you feel so tired afterward. Finding a therapist that you can connect with really helps! Someone that listens and doesn’t just want to throw pills at you. Time of year is also shit for us with depression. Just know, you’re not alone. Don’t let it win. It’s good to remember the old you, but it is the old you!! You’re different now. Keep going, you’ll get there.

  19. Magik says:

    So sorry to hear about your beloved Velvet, Iain.
    And to read how depressed you are. Remember it’s temporary.. you will get out of it just as you have before.
    You’re none of the things you feel like you are. You know that really, right? I hope so.

  20. Margaret Jones says:

    Am so sorry to hear you’re in such a bad place. I think the dark evenings and the pressure of Xmas means a lot of people dread this time of year. My dad passed away in June and my mum three years ago so it will be my first Xmas without them both and I just hope I can get through it. I received my platinum membership card and pin today and it really cheered me up so yourself and Katherine please keep up the good work with your awesome show, I laugh and I cry but love listening . xx

  21. Mike says:

    Iain, been a fan of yours since the 11 O clock days, I’ve never interacted with you apart from the odd comment on twitter but not much. Me and my friends would find you funny growing up and I guess that You’ve always kind of been there for me (not gay, ) but sort of like an older brother or a semi father figure. You’re only 12 years older than me so maybe not a father figure. My point is you’ve made an impact on other people’s lives and I don’t think you understand how good you are. I can also say I’m going through depression or loneliness or whatever, I realise a lot of it is self inflicted and it can be changed, but sometimes it feels good to wallow in self Pity. What I would say is it’s shit and you’re not alone, There are plenty of other people feeling the way you do. Your radio show has also been a great alleviation of boredom for me at times over the past few years. I’m fairly isolated so having your radio show to go to has been a real help in connecting with other like minded people. I’ve rambled here and I’m not good at emotional shit so it probably won’t help you, just to say you aren’t alone and you can get through it and you’re better than you think you are, and above all don’t ever be ashamed of saying how you feel, this stiff upper lip bollocks is outdated. Continue to connect with people and don’t ever apologise for what you say or do. Human beings are extremely fragile and negative thoughts can make us feel even worse about ourselves. It’s extremely positive to try and be positive even if you don’t want to. Keep your house clean because it will help, and also try smiling even if you don’t feel like it, the brain cannot hold contrasting emotions at the same time so it is almost impossible to Feel low when you smile. It actually does kind of work. Also get some sex if you can

  22. Mike the Therapist says:

    Iain please don’t ever kill your self. Things can always get better. Have a decent look at kath this evening and tell her exactly how you feel. Do you think you could be repressing some feelings for her or anyone else!?! Be honest with yourself. Depression is sometimes a result of shame or embarrassment or repression of something deeper

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *