Shoot me

I feel awful.

What a surprise. The twat who cried in the jungle is doing another self pitying piece on his DEPRESSION. Jesus, can’t this idiot get a grip?

It would seem not.

I’m writing because that has helped me in the past and I’m hoping it helps now, that it kickstarts some chain reaction that releases an endorphin or two and lifts me out of this – depression doesn’t seem like a big enough word – this fucking crater that I have fallen into and is totally consuming my soul.

Let me try and describe how I feel. Maybe that will help.

Physically I hurt. I ache. Everything is heavy. Someone has tied bricks to the back of my hands and my fingers are made of lead. My back is that of a 92 year old man. My legs are aching like they haven’t since I had growing pains at the age of 11. I am SO tired yet I slept very well last night. My head has this thick fog inside it. My eyes aren’t quite facing forward. I am struggling to complete a thought. Writing this is taking all the concentration I can muster. And look. My sentences are so short. that’s not me. My eyes. Did I mention them? It feels like I’ve been crying constantly, they ache and are dry, but I haven’t been crying. Not much. Not today.

My cat of 19 years, Velvet, died last week. She was nearly 21. I got her as a rescue and she was my best friend. That happened. That actually happened. Her ashes are upstairs in her bed. Pathetic? Maybe but it seems right. Life won’t be the same without her. But I was in this depression before she passed. This depression is robbing me of grieving for Velvet The Cat properly. Because it’s so hard to feel anything apart from…fuck knows…useless. OK, I did the physical. :et me try the impossible and try to put in words how it FEELS.

These words spring to mind –

Useless
Failure
C*nt
Ugly
Shit dad
Failed TV host
Shitty radio host
Useless (again)
Uninspired
Has been
Never was
Shit man
Cheat
Sad
Lonely
Sad
Really sad

They’re good, but, to quote Catchphrase, they’re not good enough. They don’t really cover any of how I feel.

I see a therapist. He’s a good man. I’m on 150mg of Effexor. Maybe that has stopped working so I’m booked in to see my doctor. I have builders here. That doesn’t help. My house is a mess, I just can’t seem to catch up with myself. I dread going in to work, to do my radio show with my best mate, something that has brought me so much joy. My head is telling me to quit but my head is lying. I know that much. When my head looks at a beam and says to me ‘yeah, that could take your weight’ I know that it is feeding me bullshit. I mean the beam probably could take my weight but that’s not what I want to do.

I’m not going to kill myself. Please don’t worry about that. I promise.

But I think about it sometimes.

But I won’t.

Everything is so heavy. Iu don’t know if that makes sense. This whole piece doesn’t make sense and i will get flack for writing it. But fuck you and fuck them. I’ll do what I want, especially if it helps me feel better. You might identify. If you do, I’m really sorry you’re going through that as well. If you don’t, then that is fantastic. I’m jealous but well done.

I have 4 cats now. Lucky, Mucky, George and Pattie. I have to take Baby George to the vets as he has cat flu like his sister. It means I have to keep the two babies away from the two teenagers so they don’t get it. I’m covered in scratches from cat wrangling.

I have a beard again. Not through choice. Through the inability to do something as simple as shave and the desire to have a wall between me and you.

9 thoughts on “Shoot me

  1. Melony Smith says:

    You’re absolutely right to put this out there. Even if it helps you a tiny bit, that’s what you need right now, tiny little shifts in your emotions to push you into the light (not in a Poltergeist final scene way) one little step at a time. You’re none of the words you listed apart from the ones describing how you feel and to feel like that is so painful. If the voice in your head was another person, you’d fight back, not listen to them, do everything in your power to not be around them. You have to be kind to yourself. And the beard always looks good xx

  2. Matty says:

    Hope you feel better soon. Depression is such an awful illness. I suffered in the past and have lived in that dark cloud, been the lowest anyone can ever get. I know it’s hard but try and know that it will pass and you will feel better. I wrote this poem when I was at my darkest. I hoped it would make me feel better. It didn’t at the time but I look back now and so grateful I don’t feel like that now. All the best x

    Happiness.

    I ain’t happy now,
    I weren’t happy then.
    I ain’t happy now,
    I’ll be happy…When?
    In this thing called life,
    You’re sposed to have a Zen,
    But what if you’re in strife,
    And your Ying-Yang’s gone Yeng.
    Do you just go mad?
    Or do you fone a friend?
    Will you just feel bad?
    Or you feel whole again.
    So you get up out,
    And meet up with a friend.
    But your minds in doubt,
    And you can’t comprehend.
    Sitting with your mate.
    You’d think you’d concentrate.
    Or at the very least,
    Have something, to state.
    Maybe this is just,
    Lifes irony.
    Me watching life,
    And life passing me.
    Will I be a part,
    Of the human race?
    Or carry on being,
    The faceless face.
    Walking down the street.
    I don’t want you to see.
    I won’t bother you,
    So don’t you bother me.
    I won’t ask you for help.
    I don’t want your pity.
    I won’t ask you for cash.
    I rely on only me.
    I got off the gear,
    To get my mind clear.
    But the thoughts in my head,
    Just wont dissappear.
    I can’t get no peace,
    But there’s peace in death.
    Wrestling with thoughts,
    Of taking final breath.
    I wish this life sentence,
    Wasn’t for me.
    Intense self hate.
    And far from happy.
    I keep trying to sort it out.
    And I will try again.
    I ain’t happy now.
    I’ll be happy…WHEN???

  3. paul tonkin says:

    Hi Iain, knew you were having a tough time. I did not until reading this,realize just how tough it is for you.
    Hang in their brother, people care about you.

  4. Dawn Leatherby says:

    I don’t have any helpful advice, I’ve never felt like this…i get anxious ….. i have panic attacks …..but so far I’m coping fine i really hope you can pull yourself out of this crater, you and Kath make me laugh …
    I wish i could help but i can’t but i can say during this last year which has been hard for me (diagnosed with Breast cancer a year ago) I’ve struggled with “why me” and a million other questions … my hubby works nights and i have to have the radio on due to tinnitus and many a night when i couldn’t sleep you n kath kept me sane with your madcap ways….. just sorry i can’t help you in return, wishing you all the best and hoping you find a way soon out of this tunnel you find yourself in. Much love to you ….Dawn, Taunton Somerset.

  5. Lee Griggs says:

    You, sir, are a genius. You have provided me with sooo much laughter throughout the last 12 years. It pains me to hear you are going through such a horrible time. I hope it gets better soon.
    Much love, Lee.
    P.S. Now please will you fix those bloody podcast show notes! – “right here.Or,” 😉

  6. John Cullen says:

    Once again, as always, powerful stuff Mr Lee. Like your good self, I’m not feeling 100% at the moment. One thing I’ve realized helps, is shutting off unnecessary distractions and focusing on the warranted distractions. Hold on – wait! Allow me to explain….

    Twitter, I’m currently on a ‘Twitter holiday’ – that’s the break from the unnecessary distractions. Truth be told, apart from your good self and couple of others, including Katherine Boyle (and Willow, when she gets an account), I’m finding Twitter to be rather tiresome. It’s seems like a we’ve reinvented the playground and all the bulls**t hierarchy that comes with it, so I’m out – just for the moment. It seems agreeing to disagree these days only makes you a target to be called ‘thick’ or ‘uncultered’ – so be it. Twitter is yours, kids. I’m gonna hang with the adults for a while…

    What’s a warranted distraction, I hear you say? Writing. It’s what I love to do. And with some spare time on my hands, I can focus on a book that I’m seriously behind with. It hasn’t been a week yet, and I feel fantastic. Speaking of books, I wanted to put a suggestion to you: have you thought about recording a few hours of audio and getting it transcribed? You have a flair for the vocab (thus your occupation), and a transcribed dialogue could be relatively simple to edit and shape – just a thought, old bean…

    Anyways, keep your head up. The show is stronger than ever at the moment. Anyone who knows me, knows I bang on about American Wrestling a little too much. But I’d like to recommend a documentary that has really touched me deeply. It’s from a series called ‘Dark Side Of The Ring’ – it’s on the Channel 4 website. The episode in question is called ‘The Last Of The Von Erichs’. The Von Erichs were a group of six brothers who were the wrestling equivalent of The Osmonds during the early 1980s. Sadly, all them passed away, due suicide, or problems stemming from substance abuse. In the documentary, the last surviving brother, Kevin, tells his story, starting with the death of brother David in a hotel room in Japan. Kevin talks through how he dealt with constant trauma and his survival through it all. I would really recommend it to anybody who might be struggling with mental health issues or grappling with the feeling of hopelessness. Its truly inspiring and Kevin is proof that things can and will get better – the documentary would have been just as inspiring if it was written about a builder or snooker player.

    Look after yourself, Mr Lee. Is it ‘Ghostbusters 2’??

    Sloop John B…. x

  7. Fathead says:

    Hi,
    I listen your show but have never rung in. I bought the book and some t-shirts and love them. I enjoy listening to you and Kath when I can, as I feel like you are friendly voices in a world of unfriendly faces and voices. I feel safe with you and Kath on, it’s a lovely feeling and a feeling that I’ve never had from a radio show as I only ever listened to the radio for music until a couple of years ago.

    I recognise some of the things you are saying above in this post as I have had similar feelings for the last couple of years too. I hope that you can find peace one day and not have to deal with all of these horrible feelings and physical manifestations. I also wish this for myself and all others who suffer.
    The world would be an even shitter place without you around and a less friendly and amusing place without you and Kath on air. You have a fantastic show and I find you and Kath to be lovely, honest, kind and interesting presenters, thank you.

    I too miss my old cat who died years ago and who was my best friend and went through many traumatic times with me, pets are such a help and they don’t even know it. I have no pet at the minute but I take great pleasure in other people’s pets until one day I can have my own again. Love and health to you.

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